Huggy

“I love you, Huggy. You’re the best. I owe you, Big Time.”

Huggy, or Scott, as his parents had named him, took in Esther’s hug like a drunk sipping the last of the foreseeable wine. Her breasts pushed against his ribs, her shiny dark brown hair blinded his eyes and the smell her perfume took his breath away.

“No, Princess,” he disengaged himself before his emotions became awkward. “You are the best. We’ve discussed this already.” This exchange was standard every time Huggy ran an errand or did some task for Esther.

He put the groceries on the center station in the Esther’s kitchen. He felt the usual mixture of satisfaction and resentment seize his chest. This meal that she was preparing was to help her celebrate with her boyfriend Mike again. He was being promoted, again. And Huggy was helping her cook the meal that would lead to just-got-a-promotion sex, again. Mike always got everything he wanted.

Esther turned to the cupboard and reached up with both hands to get a large bowl out from under a smaller bowl. Scott took in the view instead of offering to help. Her breasts were so large that he could see them on either side from behind. In her white tee-shirt, (without a bra because only Huggy was around) and tight jeans cut off just above the knees she was more beautiful than anything Scott had ever seen. She had a tiny fit body and took flak for it from the other women at work who said that it was easy for her because she was so tiny she could eat anything. These same women brought in donuts, cakes, cookies, and candy every single day of the week and made everyone who declined to partake feel guilty by saying, “but I baked it myself.” As if they could plan the eating habits of everyone at work by cooking at home the night before. Esther always declined and therefore was considered stuck up and unapproachable. The truth was, though, that those breasts and her beautiful face were her only free genetic gifts. Esther ate a healthy diet, ate it sparingly, avoided alcohol except for nights like this one, and hit the gym 5 days a week. And, unlike the women at work, when her emotions boiled over, she didn’t eat; she bought plants and called Huggy.

“Princess,” Scott said suddenly, “does this stack of groceries look familiar to you?”

She froze for a second and then spun around, her unrestrained breasts exaggerating the movement. Her hands shot to her mouth. She looked at the groceries in horror.

“Huggy,” she whined in frustration, “why didn’t you say something?”

“I am the dude in the room,” he retorted, “Details like this are part of the mindset of women and gay men. I only noticed it when you reached up to grab that bowl.” In Scott’s mind it was not the bowl but the view of her from behind that had triggered the memory of the last celebratory meal.

Esther put her hands on the counter behind her, shrugged and sighed. “I promised Michael something special. Maybe I can pretend this is the standard meal for celebrating a promotion.”

Scott could not stand to see her eyes look so disappointed. Her amazing body notwithstanding, the thing that had captured Scott’s secret heart from day one was her eyes. He had done many desperate things to keep them from looking disappointed. And here came another one.

“Listen, you get yourself ready. I will get the ingredients for lasagna. It takes 45 minutes to prepare and I’ll have it ready by the time you finished putting on your most seductive dress.

She bit her lip and smiled. There. There. The disappointment was gone from her eyes. She crossed the kitchen and hugged him again. In these moments he memorized the contours of her body and the clutch of her hands.

She buried her face into his chest and said. “Huggy, You. Are. The. Best. I owe you Big Time.”

He hugged her for moment longer and then put his hands on shoulder, pushed her back so he could see the eyes he adored. They glowed with relief, gratitude, and worst of all, friendship.

“No, you are the best. We discussed this already.”

This time she kissed him on the cheek before giving him an extra squeeze. “I have to jump in the shower.” She turned and trotted down the hall.

*****

The store was two blocks away. Scott walked in a fog of the image of Esther in the shower. He both hated and imbibed that image. Beautiful and out of reach, except for Michael. The same cashier he’d seen 30 minutes before joked that he must be very hungry. She was cute, gorgeous actually, but all women paled next to Esther.

On the short trip back to Esther’s place he ran through the familiar dialog with himself about why Esther did not love him instead of Michael. How had Scott become the “Good Friend?” How had he become Huggy? Mr. Reliable. The titles that might describe his place in Esther’s life scrolled like movie credits in his head.

Gopher.
Key Grip.
Best Boy.

Why God can’t Esther love me like I love her?

*****
He paused at the door and considered his situation. Many times he had sat on a couch with a pillow on his lap and Esther’s head on the pillow. They’d watch DVDs and she would invariably doze off for 20 minutes. When she fell asleep, she would unconsciously hold his hand in hers like a teddy bear under her cheek. This put his forearm between her breasts or on top of one of them for 20 minutes. He was glad for the pillow then. Then she’d wake up and ask what had happened while she slept. He’d pause the video and tell her what she’d missed. She would kiss her finger and touch his cheek, tell him he was the best and they would finish the movie. Then he’d go home and think of all the things he should have done and said and curse himself for a coward.

*****
Groceries in hand, he entered the kitchen. Esther was singing in her room, now out of the shower, getting dressed and choosing the underwear that Michael would remove in less than 2 hours. Scott put the unneeded groceries away and started the new special meal. He had to hurry because Michael would be on time and Esther would be of no help with the food. This same girl who had caused accidents with nothing more than a t-shirt and knee length skirt could spend hours primping for her man. Scott had to admit, though, that the effect was worth it.

Sixty-five minutes later he was lighting the candles. The aroma of lasagna filled the house. The table was set and the food was on heated plates ready to be uncovered. The chairs on the end of the table had been removed and the dinner accessories had been set on the ends for easy access. The remaining two chairs were set up opposite each other across the width of the table so that hands could touch, and glasses could clink. Anything that had cluttered the dining area, or in anyway compromised the romantic atmosphere, had been removed. The candles were placed off to the sides so that the couple could see each other and not have to look through the flames. He’d arranged every one of her many plants around the dining room so that it looked more like an exclusive dining suite in a restaurant for the super rich.

As Scott finished the candles he heard a gasp behind him. He turned to see Esther with her hands over her mouth and tears in her eyes. She walked slowly toward Scott. He had never seen anything so beautiful as this woman at this moment. The limited light seemed to gather around her face and was amplified. Her dress was modest in length, but held her body like a jealous lover.

“This is the sweetest thing you have ever done for me. You’re the best. I owe you, big time.”

“What do you owe me?” he heard himself ask. He felt something coming loose in his heart.

She smiled. “Everything. This is way above and beyond.”

“So when do I get this everything you owe me?” He couldn’t believe this was coming from his mouth, but maybe it was time and he suddenly wanted an answer. His voice appeared to have a mind of its own.

She stepped back, “What’s wrong, Huggy?”

“Scott,” his calm, low voice sounded like a young Clint Eastwood, Tense but restrained. “My name is Scott. Huggy is what you call a teddy bear. It is what you call me to keep me at a safe non-threatening distance.”

She was at a loss for words because this was not the Huggy she knew. “I call you Huggy,” she stammered, “because you hug me so nicely.”

He continued as though she had not spoken. It was an overdue release to let his mouth just have the reins. “You keep saying that you owe me, but as near as I can tell, I do all the work in this so-called friendship. You have noticed that I am a man, right?”

“Yes, but…”

“Do you think I’m gay?” He was on a roll, but this was not how he’d planned this going.

“No you’re not gay…”

“Am I so unattractive?”

“No! You’re very…”

“I have loved you and respected you and served you for three years. You sat in your underwear and cried on my shoulder for three hours when your last boyfriend cheated on you. Do you know any other man who would have respected you enough not to try to have sex with you in that situation? I don’t even fondle your breasts when you fall asleep in my lap. I practically built this relationship you have with Michael, and will probably be your shoulder again when he cheats. But that’s okay, isn’t it, because Michael is a real man so he gets a man’s name. I get ‘Huggy.’”

She stood their crying, but he was not done.

“I have never asked you for anything in return because I have been in love with you for three years and always believed that you do whatever you can for the woman you love without explanation.”

“You love me? You’re in love with me?”

“Are you for real?” He was working to keep the strain out of his voice now. “The problem with beautiful women is that they are so used to having men act the way they want, they assume that men can’t think or feel anything that is not approved. You don’t love me so you can’t conceive that I might love you. You think I don’t have the right or the capacity.”

“That’s not fair, Huggy, Scott.”

“Damn right it’s not fair. So now I am not ‘The Best’ anymore?’ Just a jerk?”

“No Huggy,”

He stepped up to her. “Scott. My name is Scott. I am a man who fell in love with women who believes that others should do for her, but feels her royal presence is all that she owes in return.”

Esther was crying now because she knew that she really did very little for this man she had always relied on. If her eyes had registered disappointment, Scott would have withered and apologized. But those perfect eyes showed that she knew he was right and she was wrong.

“Scott…”

“Don’t. I get it, Esther; you don’t love me…you can’t be in love with me. I have treated you like a queen for three years. I know everything about you. And I know this as well as anything else. Tonight you will eat a meal I prepared with a man who will reap the erotic payoff for work that I did. Michael will peel off that dress that you spent an hour putting on and I won’t even matter.

“I love you Esther Yale. This dinner is the last thing I will ever do for you.” He kissed her cheek. “Good-bye,” he whispered in her ear. He picked up his jacket on the way to the door and without looking back walked down into the late sunset.

Michael was just arriving.

“Hey there, Huggy.”

Scott clenched his fist but kept his cool in front of the lucky bastard. In less than an hour he would be enjoying a side of Esther that Scott could only imagine.

“Hey, Mike.” Scott paused. “Listen, Esther asked me to tell you to give her 15 minutes to make herself perfect. Just walk around the block and let her think you were late for once. It’ll make her feel good.” He turned to leave.

“Good idea, Huggy. Hey, this evening works out like I hope, I owe you, big time.”

He turned back to Michael. “What do you owe me?” He asked.


*****

“I said I guess I owe you a big kiss.” Esther stepped up and kissed her Huggy on the lips. The kiss lasted longer than Scott expected. He looked down at her as she backed away.

“I love you,” she smiled

“I love you,” he smiled back. Two identical sentences with entirely different meanings.

He didn’t deserve her. He would never tell her all that he dreamt of saying because much of it was not fair and the rest was his problem, not hers. He’d keep doing stuff for her in the useless hope that she would owe him love. But love can’t be a debt.

She wasn’t the problem; for all that he loved her, for all that he had done for her, he had never told her the truth. In his cowardice, he would never risk losing a second best, secret, one-sided, pathetic romance by speaking up, telling Esther the truth, and letting the chips of his heart fall where they may. He would stand six inches from her and love her desperately from a distance. He could give her anything except courage.

“Enjoy your evening.” He kissed her cheek. “And say ‘hi’ to Michael.”

*****

As he descended the stairs into the late sunset, Michael was arriving.

“Hey, Scott.”

“Hey, Mike,” He stopped. “Listen, Mike. She has worked all afternoon to make tonight perfect. Compliment her on her cooking and the table setting more than you compliment her dress. She’ll appreciate that you noticed.”

Mike nodded thoughtfully. He seemed about to ask something, but then changed his mind. “Good thinking, Scott. Thanks for the heads up. I owe you.”

“Have a good night, Mike.”