Professional Grinders

Tactics for Getting Stuff for Free (That You Should Not Try When Making Hotel Reservations)

Despite the tone below, I want to be very clear up front about one thing. The vast majority of the people with whom I speak on the phone as a reservations agent are quite nice and grateful for whatever I do for them. I have been given praise, gifts, dinner invitations, shirts, hats, police business cards (to get out of speeding tickets in New York State), and a host of other things from the polite majority who go about their business looking for a good deal. There is, however, a yawning gulf between people who appreciate a good deal and people live to tell the story of how they managed to get stuff for free while enjoying the destruction of some chump at a desk. I am that chump, and this bit of writing is addressed to those who become psychopaths on the phone when trying to get something free from us that either does not exist or that we are not allowed to give.

First you need to keep in mind that the person on the other end of the line is a person who represents the hotel in a limited way. Agents have lives and feelings and experience. Remember that last one. You probably don't care about their lives or their feelings because they are not part of your Monkey Circle (you should look that up). In fact, you probably enjoy hurting their feelings. As I understand sadism, that is the bulk of the thrill of getting free stuff. That last one, experience, though, matters. I hear tell that there are courses you can take that teach you how to get stuff for free. Mostly they teach how to whine, badger, cajole, and abuse people in the service industry until they cave in to your demands as they ideate a murder scenario in order to rid the world of evil people like you. And the service industry is staffed largely by people who are new at it. There is a high turnover rate thanks to burnout. That is your fault, by the way. But some of us have had to do this for a long time. So we don't care if you get stuff for free once a day and are really REALLY good at the game. We do ONLY this for 37.5 hours a week. Thanks to that ten thousand hour rule of expertise that everyone is talking about these days, we turned pro after 5 years. And despite our polite tone, we are also callused. Also your fault. Here is what won't work with and will only get you worse service.

1. Musing aloud.

"That all sounds great, but could you throw in parking for free?"

"I'm sorry, sir, but parking is always an additional cost of $15 per night."

Then the client starts to mull it over out loud, "Well that is a great package, but I just wish there was something we could do about parking. That would be great."

I used to reply to this, but then it occurred to me that this was not a question. Now I just go silent until there is a question. Does this sound rude to you? If so, it’s because you are rude. Here's what's rude: repeating that wish for free parking, breakfast, dinner, whatever, over and over and over and over and over...tedious isn't it. I can't give you what you want; thinking out loud about how great it would be does not change what I am allowed to do. When I used to respond to every musing, calls would last forever. Keep this in mind, generally call center folk are patient, but when you make yourself a nuisance, I would give you anything I could just to stop talking to you. I am MORE motivated to give you free parking than you are to get it from me. If I could sneak it in without anyone who is in charge of me (which is damn near everyone) knowing, I would, just to shut you up. My saying no to you means I have to keep talking to you, and you have made it clear that you are unsatisfiable. If I get such vocal musings in a call on my last day, this is the reply I have prepared, "Yes, that would be great. In my mind's eyes I can picture how great it would be if I could give you free parking. Let's take a moment and ponder that Greatness that would ensue if you had free parking.....thank you for sharing that moment of hypothetical Greatness with me. Sadly, while we both agree that nothing short of the Rapture would be as great as my giving you free parking, I can’t."

2. Crying Rich.

Doesn't make sense, does it?

Happens all the time.

Let's stick with parking on this one. It goes something like this: "You can't throw in parking? Do you have any idea how much I spend at your hotel chain each year?" My Inner Dialogue Reply, "More than I make annually sitting at this desk? Ten times more than I make annually talking to people like you?" There are some people who genuinely believe that having more money means that things should cost less for them. I suspect, but admit that I can't prove, these people often spout off about Liberals who freeload off the system. Politics aside, you get no sympathy from an exhausted agent by declaring that the amount of time you spend vacationing at five star hotels around the world is a reason I should give you free stuff.

3. Price Comparing.

"You know, the hotel next door has a room like that for half the price." I have said on more than one occasion that the reason for the price difference is the difference in the quality of the hotels. I genuinely believe that; I work at a very upscale hotel. What I can't just come out and say is, "Well, then why are you talking to me? Stay at that cheaper hotel." We are not talking about the $1.50 difference between a bricks of the same brand cheese purchased at different grocery stores. This is hundreds of dollars’ difference between the prices of products of vastly different quality.

4. Claiming instant friendship and all the perks descending therefrom.

"Hey, Buddy, really need you to help me out with getting a great rate." We are not buddies. I am here to mediate a transaction between you and my employer. I have to see my managers aaaaaalllllll day, five days a week. Giving a freebie of anything to you, my new best friend, (whom I have never met, and likely never will or would want to, because the word "buddy" has lost any good meaning thanks to Buddies like you) means I have to face my manager. I have had good managers and bad, but they all would rightly reprimand me for such a stupid move. You, Buddy, are the reason the word “buddy” no longer means “friend.”

5. Blaming the employee for the rate. There are several variations of this and smart workers can honestly plead ignorance.

Q. "Why is it so much more than last year?" A. "I don't know."

Q. "Why is it so expensive?" A. "I don't know."

Q. "Why is that promotion not available?" A. "I don't know."

Q. "Don't you think that price is outrageous?" A. "I don't know."

See that? Asking those questions is meant to make the employee accountable for management decisions. The person on the phone doesn't have those answers and shouldn't even add the word "sorry" to make it "I'm sorry, I don't know." The employee has no power over prices or availability and can only guess at the rationale behind such things, but if he apologizes for his ignorance, he is admitting that he has made a mistake. The customer/bully on the phone knows this, but is just enough of a douchebag to make that poor sucker feel just a bit worse about his or her job.

I am going to stop here because my wife rightly points out that I rant far longer than is helpful. And if you don’t see my point by now you are part of the problem.